motherhood, anxiety, and the things that make us feel alive

Before I became a mom, I used to paddle out by myself at sunrise before work. It was part of my daily routine. Surf. Work. Sleep. Repeat.

I didn’t need anyone sitting on the beach watching me. I didn’t need my husband paddling out with me. I’d just grab my board and go solo.

After becoming a mother, that changed. My nervous system was like, “Nope!” And especially postpartum, because if I die, who’s going to take care of my precious baby girl?!

Even now, when I’m out there by myself, my brain starts going through all the things. What if something happens to me? What if I get hurt? What if I don’t make it back in?

And it’s not just surfing.

Traveling alone. Driving on crazy California freeways. All kinds of adventurous shit I used to do without thinking twice about it suddenly feels different.

Maybe it’s motherhood or getting older. Maybe perimenopause and hormones have cranked the anxiety dial up a few notches. Probably a fun little cocktail of all three. YAY!

I’m still adventurous and still want to surf, travel, and go on all the trips. I still want to dance and do things that make me feel alive.

I’m just learning that brave looks a little different for me now, like paddling out while the fam hangs on the beach (you know, in case anyone needs to dial 911) hashtagfunnynotfunny

Call me paranoid (and please tell me I’m not the only one)….I just have more to come home to now.

And if you’re a mama figuring out what brave looks like for you now too, just know I’m right there with you.

Hope my California friends are surviving this heatwave!! Much love 💕xo-dez